Honesty with Self

Knowing who you are, what you want in life, what your plan is to achieve your goals (i.e. what are you willing to give up for a relationship/love, but still live feeling happy in what you want to do) will help you know what you have to offer another person. These are topics you need to be honest with yourself about.

I saw a show called "Bad Sex" with Chris Donaghue (sex specialist) on LogoTV and he spoke about understanding the affects one person has on another. If you are unclear with how you affect someone, then you have the potential to hurt them. The best way to gain clarity is to share with yourself where you stand. This means knowing what your needs are – the things you need to have in your personal life, the things you need from your partner and the ways you need to feel while in a relationship. When you know what those things are not only will you be able to find what you want in someone sooner, but you will have less chance of your boundaries getting crossed because you’ll have a firmer understanding of what they are.

How do we come clean with ourselves? Some like to write it out. Some like to type it. Some can talk to themselves or get through without elongated thought methods. But what should we ask ourselves? And what should we figure out about ourselves?

Do I like my job?
Do I like my living accommodations?
Where do I stand financially?
How much time do I need to dedicate to personal responsibilities?
Am I happy (with myself, my communication patterns, the idea of a relationship)?
If I've been unhappy, how long have I felt unhappy? How do I change that?
5 year plan in thought?
How do I communicate?
How much time do I ideally want with a partner?
What are my ticks and peeves?
What am I still figuring out?

The questions above are just to help you get started on the process of deciding your needs, boundaries, and what you have to offer. However, it must start somewhere. You will be amazed how much more confident you are in the dating process when you know what you’re looking for. You will have less worry as to how you affect others because what you have to offer is whole and healthy.

Having a clear-cut idea of ourselves will help us understand why Chris Donaghue said we need to be mindful of other people's feelings. We also must know that we affect ourselves as well. Every decision we make impacts those around us and those we choose to keep close affect us. Therefore we must know what we have to offer to avoid hurting someone and to avoid being hurt by someone (by knowing what we cannot handle in a relationship). It is also important to remember that it takes two whole individuals to make a whole, healthy relationship. Part of being whole is knowing what you have to contribute and exactly what that consist of :)!

It’s okay to have boundaries. It’s okay to have needs. Just know where you want to go, how you want to get there, what you want/expect from a partner and be sure to explain that all when the time is appropriate.

The link below is the the specific show I was speaking about in regards to Chris Donaghue.

Video & Movies - Logo: Fierce TV

Biggest Contribution to a Relationship

YOURSELF!!!

Knowing who you are and what you want is your true contribution to the relationship. Without that, it is hard to know what to fight for when things get rough or questionable. When two people enter a relationship, there is of course a sexual chemistry of sorts, but beyond that is the existence of who completely separate human beings whom choose to function in a unit as one. The functioning together is not always as easy as it seems. There are, in fact, quite a bit of outside contributing factors as well. More specifically, factors that you may not always have a say in. Such as, your partner may need to take a business trip for multiple weeks at a time, which may hinder your relationship with him or her, and you cannot control what they need to do for work [or what they need to do for their own personal growth as an independent, self-functioning energy on earth]. So then there would need to be communication about how to be a unit of one, but apart for periods of time. Therefore, if you are completely secure and knowing of what you want out of a partner (and out of yourself), you should be able to decide: a) if this is the type of relationship you can have (be happy in) and b) if the ability to problem solve is efficient or not efficient (further helping you decide if it is a functional relationship for you, or not).

From the beginning, even, when you first start to like someone and you are not exactly sure if they fit all of your criteria. Consider this:
Do you have criteria?
Do you know what you bring to the relationship?
Can you list the qualities you like about yourself (particularly when in relationships)?
What qualities about a partner would you like most?

KNOWING, and always being aware of, what you contribute saves you a whole lot of time.

Now, emotions are very tricky. So don't get me wrong in thinking that rationalizing every problematic situation you are in, that is romantically/sexually entangled, is a piece of cake. But you should most certainly try and understand/be clear with where you stand in regards to your morals, values, ideas for the future, enjoyable characteristics of yourself, needs & must haves, etc. All of what makes you, you. Because then, if someone whom you are seeing/dating/married to isn't fitting your criteria, you can speak to him or her about it and/or leave the situation if you feel it necessary. But you will feel more confident in your decisions.

If butting heads, having non-constructive conversations, feeling hurt and getting annoyed is a frequent occurrence, reevaluate the needs for yourself. We do, actually, have a relationship with ourselves. We are the only people who can take care of ourselves better than anyone because are with ourselves 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you are not happy you need to voice that. Yes, it may be easier to try and just let the problem sweep itself under a carpet so you don't have to face it until you trip over it later...but life is short already, isn't it? Why waste more time? You'll have to deal with it eventually. YOU hold the power to your voice; to releasing the thoughts in your head and heart. (Refer to blog about Mind Readers). As a present energy in the universe, standing up for yourself, loving yourself, and respecting yourself is essential. No one has the power to make you unhappy, for at any given time you can remove yourself from a situation (be it to another room to cool down or breaking up with him/her).

Whether you are trying to decide if you want to commit to someone, figuring out how to approach a problematic situation, contemplating leaving a relationship or taking time to be single & discover self - it is important to know that the biggest contribution you have to a relationship is YOURSELF! That takes knowing yourself, loving yourself, and actively being aware of what you contribute.

Priorities

Emotions and rationale when involved in an intimate relationship with another person become literally impossible to connect. The impulse a human feels when emotionally driven (whether sad, ecstatic, angry, scared, hopeless, hopeful, etc.) creates the ripple of words or actions, which effect the relationship.

Can you recall ever being upset with your partner and saying things you didn't mean to say? Can you recall wishing you had said or done something you didn't do or say? Can you recall ever saying, "this was perfect timing" or "I'm glad I hung in"?

Emotions can create so many different outcomes in a relationship that it is important to consider your priorities when feeling a bit jumbled. Trying to remember that taking a second to process incoming information from a confusing situation is difficult, BUT essential when attempting to make the most rationale decision possible. It is also difficult, yet essential, to remember not to be completely selfish when choosing what to do or say. This also pertains to other people around you, and how you affect them because of emotional distress.

If you are in a relationship where you feel that communication is not working and your emotional levels are similar to riding on a roller-coaster, you are in a relationship that is unhealthy. This does not mean that you need to pack your bags and run for the hills, or spark a huge fire and leave town - however, it does mean that you need to reevaluate your tactics on how to handle emotionally-fused impulses. Make sure that what you do and what you say will not leave you feeling regretful, nor hurt your partner. When communicating make your feelings known, consider what the other person has to say (which means you CANNOT listen defensively -- which further means you have to LISTEN and figure out your rebuttal once your partner is done), consider how that person may feel so that your delivery is as easily heard as possible, and stand your ground on what you feel is important.

If your relationship is affecting others, you'll need to prioritize. Yes, emotions and your partner are important aspects of your life. However, you need to consider a whole slew of factors when dealing with the effects in outside relationships. Support systems are important, so if those relationships are being jeopardized - decide which is most important at the time, but not everyone is meant to be a partner just like not everyone is meant to be a friend. If there is to be a loss, which is greater?

If you are in a relationship where you're not 100% satisfied, you need to prioritize what is important to you, how important it is to you, and how important it is to your partner. There is an ability to make compromises and sacrifices that are accommodating to both parties, which will heighten the level of satisfaction. It is impossible for a person to be 100% satisfied 24 hours 7 days a week, but it is possible for a person to know how to achieve that satisfaction: whether it be through communication, sacrifice, compromise or a general understanding to agree to disagree. If there is an undying urge for something to be satisfied, and you cannot figure out a way to feel satisfied enough to continue the relationship, then you should take you and your partner's feelings and part. It is not fair to stay with someone if you are unhappy, they will only be living in a false reality at that point.

If you feel your partner is highly reactive, and you are not, discussion of when you feel they are most often reactive and how you feel when they are would be appropriate. Bringing to attention something that is bothersome to you is prioritizing what you want to be feeling (or not be feeling). In addition, a helpful way to present your feelings, without making your partner feel as if their feelings are not priority, would be to state how much you care and adore him/her, then state the issue of being highly emotionally reactive (or whatever the issue is), provide an example of when it happened, describe how it affects you, and provide a potential solution to avoid situations of the like in the future.

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Regardless of what kind of relationship you are dealing with: highly emotional, friendship disturbing, dissatisfying or satisfying, and so forth - PRIORITIZE! Prioritize your feelings, your partner's/friend's feelings, your needs, their needs, and the importance it all BEFORE reacting. You have to keep in mind that when emotions come into play, particularly ones that create urges of impulse within you, rationalizing is very difficult to do - but NECESSARY! Take your time; words and actions make a long-lasting impact.

You don't want to hurt yourself or be hurting. You don't want to hurt your partner or have your partner hurting. You don't want your support systems in jeopardy.

Prioritize. Make as well thought out of a decision (in words and actions) as possible. And always communicate!

Hope for the (Seemingly) Hopeless!

Emotions are ridiculously tricky. One second you know exactly what you're feeling, the next second you have no idea how you felt what you did before because now you feel an entirely different way (sometimes good, sometimes bad). So what are you supposed to do when you REALLY like someone and they show hopeful signs of exclusivity (or a change in the relationship that is mutually appeasing), but haven't yet?

There are several answers to this question depending upon the situation you are personally in.

Generally, it takes about one week to a month for relationships to form and become substantial. In that time frame a great deal is taking place. You are getting to know him or her on a much more personal level and engaging in activities what will continuously provide you with information. This information is used to process whether this person is worth your time. You will learn about his/her hobbies, pastimes, likes/dislikes, interests, philosophies, communication tactics, etc. The speed at which you learn this knowledge is based upon how much time you spend with him/her and how many questions either of you ask. From that point, prior to the formation of the relationship, you are either satisfied with the received information or not. However, just because you are pleased with the information does not mean that he or she feels the same way.

If you are satisfied with the information and want to proceed further but you are unsure that he/she feels the same way then you will need to ask. Regardless of your whether you are male or female, you still have feelings and the right to know what is going on. The only reason you'd be asking anyway is because you need to know whether or not to move ahead. Some people say knowing within a week is crazy, but it depends on how sure of yourself (and your wants/don't wants) you are. Either way, you have the ability to ask. Hopefully he or she will feel the same way, or at least express exactly how they are feeling so you are given an answer in which to make a further decision with.

If you are satisfied with the information, you've discussed it with your potential other, he or she lets you know they cannot give you everything you want but they can satisfy part of what you need, what are you supposed to do? Well, if they can only satisfy part of what you need are you actually, ACTUALLY satisfied with the information? Probably not. What keeps you? Emotional attachment. You most likely let your wall down even though you were aware of the circumstances. Do you hold out hope that the situation will change? You can only achieve change by discussing with him/her how you feel and what you'd like to see become different. If after that talk he/she still does not provide you with a fully satisfying outcome, it is up to you to pick up your heart and walk away.

At the moment things seem hopeless. You really like this person and want more. It is a completely normal happening and emotion to experience. But you don't have to continue on that way. Consider this: if the emotions you are feeling for/with this person cost you fatigue, heartache, devastation, self-questioning and/or sadness it most likely isn't something worth what you're paying for. There are others who can, will, and want to be everything you could ever need. If you're unhappy though, you're not giving yourself the justice you deserve. He/She could be a wonderful person, have admirable characteristics, create inspiration, or spark butterflies. But when you weigh out how often you experience those emotions versus how often you feel the others...is it worth the cost?

There is hope. It's sitting right in the palm of your hands. Communicate your feelings. Rationalize the communicated information. Weigh out the cost of your actions. And ALWAYS love yourself. You know you best. If it feels right, you'll still have the option later on to walk away if it ever feels wrong, so enjoy. If it feels wrong, you have the ability and option to do whatever necessary to get the information you need to make the best decision for you.

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Further questions?

talksextalknow@gmail.com

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Hey All -

I wanted to thank you for the support you've provided. The response to the posts, polls, and suggestions to what you wanted to hear has made it a pleasure to provide (hopefully positive) advice/solutions to your questions. Over the past year my topics have ranged from bedroom activities and sex toys to coping with a broken heart, with a variety of topics in between. This year I hope to provide just as much satisfaction as I did last year and then some!

Relationships are complicated things that often don't make sense 100% of the time. Twists, turns, and other factors happen, snarling the equilibrium of peace and harmony creating slight chaos or confusion - leaving us a little bit vulnerable...uncomfortable. Sometimes things are just seemingly difficult. I hope through what I write I am able to ease a few worries and open up a range of possibilities on how to cope, work with, address or perceive the current issues in your life.

To broaden the access to submit your suggestions I have created an email account. You are more than welcome to submit anything related to the topics that have been posted. This could include: comments, articles (or links to articles), questions, etc. :) Feel free to submit anonymously.

Email: talksextalknow@gmail.com

Again, thank you all for dedication and support. Can't wait to hear from you!

*Chrys

Remember Yourself!

Before you had your partner, who did you have? Before you found your "other half," who was the "first half"? Before you cared for your lover, who did you care for?

YOURSELF!

Although you may enter a relationship with someone, you must not forget the relationship with yourself. Your happiness, your ability to enjoy life, your willingness to give, to love, to care for HAS to include yourself. Significant others are a wonderful asset to life. They could even make you feel as if everything in your existence has greatened or given you a sense of completion. However, the only person who can really know what makes you happy and keeps you sane is yourself.

When there are issues between the two of you, or you have a particular issue with your partner - remember to consider what will make them happy AS WELL AS what will make you happy. The best love feels like selfless love, yes...but when selflessness costs you your happiness, remind yourself that you deserve to have reasons to smile, be joyful and positive. Sometimes people get caught up in their love for their other half that they forget that they also count. When I speak of happiness, I do not speak of temporary happiness nor moment to moment happiness. I speak of 95% of the time happiness. It is improbable to be happy all of the time, but you should be the majority of the time - at least with yourself.

If you are currently upset with your partner and you have something you need to get across to them, don't put it under the rug. You are upset. You may be hurting. You need to make sure you are heard. The only way for your partner to change, or decide they cannot change (and may need to leave the relationship) is to talk about it. Staying happy means you need to maintain happiness - both with your partner AND IN YOURSELF!! There is no need to go charging at him or her and demand a change, but it is certainly fair for you to express yourself.

If you feel you are not able to live to your full potential because of your significant other, you should re-evaluate your goals and your relationship. Weigh out what makes you happiest. The relationship with yourself is just as important as the one you wish to hold with someone you also consider to be important. Stay true to who you are also goes with being in a relationship. When you close your eyes all you have is you, yourself and you - so if you aren't living the life that would make you happiest if your significant other weren't "holding you back" then you need to figure out how to do that (whether that means staying with your partner or not).

Compromise is a great way to work through issues of unhappiness. Once your partner knows what the problem is, then he or she has the opportunity to work through it with you. State what it is that you're feeling, why it is you've been feeling this way, and a suggestion as to how to make things better. Even if he or she doesn't agree, they are at least aware of what kind of suggestion you are making and what you boundaries are on changing/compromising.

Space is a great way to maintain happiness. You can love to be with your significant other, but there are going to be days where your agenda only fits you. It is also really healthy to love yourself on your own. Taking space doesn't mean having to remain in solitude. Catching up with friends, visiting family, etc. also fit in with that. If you live with your significant other, it is still possible to take space throughout the day - or even staying at a friends house (if children aren't involved - and if they are, you'll have to work out a schedule). But nurturing yourself is just as important as nurturing your partner (as is nurturing your children).

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So state when you're unhappy, provide potential compromises, take healthy self-time and remember that as much as your other deserves to be happy - you deserve it too!

New Sparks? New Commitments?

After meeting someone new, who you've hit it off with exceptionally well, how long should it be before you become exclusive and titled? The answer to this really varies.

If you are someone who is completely single, as in has no emotional connectivity to a past lover, is stable in the heart and knows what they want then committing could happen anywhere from a few dates later to a few months/years later (depending on your dating style). I recommend being in this mind/heart state before choosing to commit because although you could be pretty positive that entering a committed relationship is in your best interest, you also have to consider the interest of your partner. It is unfair to them to be dating someone who isn't completely interested in only pursuing them if thats what he or she wants. However, once in a mind/heart state such as this, so long as the feelings are mutual - HAPPY DATING!

If you are someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship, still feel a little bruised and happened to find someone really awesome in your eyes my advice would be to take your time. Rushing a good thing never ends up beneficial. Besides, if what is going on between you and the new spark/person is going to last, it will last whether you have a title/exclusivity or not. Make sure that you feel you have closure with your past lover(s)/whomever you may not be completely settled with. It is very important to not have multiple doors open at the same time (unless you are into polyamory and so is the person you're talking to/seeing). The time frame for this could vary from several weeks to several months/years. This type of circumstance really varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. Basically, treat others as you want to be treated. Would you want someone dating you when they were still hooked on someone else? Probably not...and it probably wouldn't feel good either.

If you are someone who feels they have a HUGE wall up and are afraid to let someone in, ask yourself a few questions. How long have you been seeing this person? Has he or she done anything that would make you doubt a relationship with them? Do you feel extremely connected (emotionally, physically and mentally)? Do you feel you have good communication? Is trust felt and established? If you feel you haven't been given a reason to not pursue forward but are still afraid, you'll have to really think about the reasons why you are afraid. If you are going to have a successful relationship with this new person you will most certainly have to be open and communicative with the issues that are making you question your next move. Even if it's personal and you feel the other person doesn't need to know - they do need to know. You want to feel like you can trust them and you want to be respected - but if the person you're seeing doesn't know what you need in order to trust and in order to feel respected you can't be upset with them for not being able to read your mind. Also refer to my blog on how to break down your walls: http://talksexnow.blogspot.com/2010/01/breaking-down-walls.html

If you are someone who has been out of a relationship for a while but still feels damaged or jaded from it (but not emotionally connected to the past relationship/person), sometimes a new relationship/spark can do just the trick! Granted, you have to remember that the person who is your new spark isn't a trick, nor a toy to be messed with: he or she is human too, with feelings. However, if you are honest about what you're looking for and how committed you can or can't be - you should be fine. People who are damaged and/or jaded come by the dozen - it's almost impossible to not be affected in a personal/mental way from relationships. You do not want to be another tangle in their web, though, and so you need to make sure to be straightforward with your intentions (and ask the questions necessary to make sure they are also being straightforward with their intentions). If you two share a great connection, can be effectively communicative (in a way that allows you to feel trust and share openly) you are headed in a positive direction. I would advise waiting at least 2 weeks to a month before putting a title on this, though. You could choose to be sexually exclusive, but if you're still working on no longer being damaged/jaded - you should most certainly take your time.

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It is difficult to analyze what a new spark is and how to go about handling it. It is so easy to get carried away and not think clearly as to how you should proceed. First and foremost take into consideration the state you are currently in. It does, indeed, take two to tango and your head & heart need to be fully in the game (titles) before playing it. Obviously it is hoped that the other person has done the same - but it never hurts to ask questions if you are curious about where they stand.

Always remember that if something is good, it should be good with or without a title. Therefore rushing to title something isn't necessary, so take your time. Falling in love, most certainly, can happen in a matter of moments...and there isn't a title that goes over that feeling :) - so relax and enjoy yourself in whatever it is you have right now. Be open and communicative at all times, especially if you start to feel weary, upset, or confused about something.

The beginning of things can always seem like a joy ride - an extreme experience of euphoria. Be aware that feelings are involved, as you should know what yours are and what theirs are. It is not impossible to date someone after less than a week of knowing them, and if you are 110% certain that move would be best for you (and for them) then good luck!! Otherwise, waiting to make sure that the first week isn't simply a fantasy never hurt.

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Stay true to yourself, establish open communication, trust your instincts.